For the first time this weekend, I realized how much my dialect has changed over the course of the past two years.  Now although I like to consider myself a classy, professional young woman, I will admit I had quite the truckers mouth.  

My first job out of college was at a Top 40 radio station in Detroit, MI.  Going to work was hardly a chore and much, if not all, conversations, meetings or off-air interviews began and ended with four letter words -- it was the norm.  After moving onward in my career, I failed to leave that wonderful trait I had picked up at the door of that radio job.  I was kindly reminded by my boss, a VP Marketing veteran in the industry, that the "f-bomb" had no place in corporate America.  Oops.  

Anyhow, I will admit it's been challenging curbing my language over the past few years and my vocabulary has evolved greatly to now include words such as "fooey", "donkey", and the random "shuck-a-rooney".  What the hell does that mean?  I have no clue.  

Gotta admit that I miss my four-letter words.  A lot.  When trying to make a point or in the midst of an argument, a simple FUCK seemed to pack a little more punch than a pathetic FOOEY.

My MIL was kind enough to watch our daughter this weekend so we could have some adult time and the fooeys, donkeys and all the other garbage went out the door the second we dropped her off.  It's like my trucker soul was reborn and the f-bombs were a flying.  IT. FELT.  GREAT.   I have no idea why, but it did.  Most likely because as mothers we already have to change EVERYTHING about ourselves to be the model parent as it is, that it's one thing we can actually reclaim from time to time.  

After our weekend alone, my husband and I spent the day getting some holiday shopping done, which involved a trip to our local mall and inevitably resulted in sitting with the rest of the parents at the mall play-area.  As we're gleaming proudly watching our daughter play nice with the other kids, climb all the structures seamlessly all of a sudden --- it happens.  My reminder that my daughter has become a complete sponge.  "Mommy -- FUCK THIS".  

Our little stint at the play area ended as mommy walks away completely mortified with half the parents judging me with evil eyes and the other half laughing hysterically.  Can you guess which group had the infants too young to understand what my precious daughter just uttered?  

And there you have it folks.   We may have been cool once -- but like a night of fun followed by a bad hangover, here's your reminder that any attempt to return to your pre-kid life, should be coupled with such a disclosure that your FUCKS have now become FOOEYS.    Get over it.  

If you don' t know by now, you should  

The second you announce to the world (or to your parents who inevitably tell the world) that you are pregnant, the advice starts flowing and IT. NEVER. STOPS.  

I don't know what's quite worse...those dishing out advice when they haven't had kids themselves, or those who had kids 48 years ago and think everything is still as is was then.  Because you know... things were MUCH better then anyhow.  Right.  

Now, I'll admit that I have failed my close friends and partaken in this ghastly activity... and I'm ashamed.  I do however, feel remotely better convincing myself that the unsolicited advice I provided was quite bluntly truthful and relate-able comments to ease their mind or comfort their pain/frustration such as "sorry, it doesn't get better" or "if the fever isn't over 103, you're okay."  


So here it goes... My personal most irritating tips/comments/advice/opinions/actions I've been lucky enough to receive.  

1)  "Oh you can go ahead and eat that, nothing will happen to the baby.  You'll be just fine."  
Don't tell me what I can and can't eat while pregnant.  Furthermore, why are my eating habits any of your concern at all?  I'll feed this baby 4 pounds of chocolate a day if I prefer.  Although you had kids 20+ years ago, every DOCTOR I've spoken with tells me not to eat LUNCH MEAT.  As much as I may be craving a Jimmy Johns sub -- the listeria risk now a days is far too great for me to ignore their request to abstain for a Turkey Tom.  

2)  "Get as much sleep as you can before that baby comes."

Of course, why didn't I think of that?!  It makes perfect sense now that I am part gorilla that if I get all this "extra" sleep now, I'll never need it again!  Genius!

Are you kidding me?  Apparently you're great memory full of "helpful" tips has lapsed over your memories of what it was like trying to get a continual 20 minutes of sleep while carrying around the extra 4 bowling balls doing Jazzercize at night.  

3)  "You won't need that.  Cousin Sally said it's a waste of money."
Great, thanks for the update on cousin Sally -- I didn't even know cousin Sally still lived in this hemisphere but I'm so glad you two have been able to re-connected while discussing my baby's needs.  It stinks that baby Herbie doesn't like his swing and that mashed bananas cause him constipation but If I want to buy the god damn baby rocker, my kid will have the god damn baby rocker.  

4)  "Sleep when the baby sleeps."
Really?  This is just a cruel joke.  Does that mean the baby will do the dishes when I do the dishes?  Life still goes on and things still have to get done people!!  

5)  "Aren't you going to put some shoes or a sweater on her?" 
No, I'm not.  It's only a nippy 86 degrees outside, I don't know what I'm thinking taking my child out of the house without a full blown snow-suit on!  Listen lady...my child is just fine and if she happens to come down with a sniffle in this environment, it's likely not due to the weather.  

6)  "You know, we never had the option of disposable diapers.  Isn't it cheaper for you to use cloth diapers?"
Why yes, yes it is and thank you yet again for looking out for my family's bottom line.  I'll be sure to check with our financial adviser to make sure we have appropriate amounts of cash socked away for a rainy day in case the disposable diapers break us.  

I've cracked the code on this one. It's jealousy.  Just because they HAD to use them, doesn't mean they ENJOYED it and surely doesn't mean I'm going to give it a whirl myself!  Let's move on... 

7)  "Acid Reflux???  In a baby?  I've never heard of that.  She's just colic-y.  I'd get a second opinion"
Second opinion this!  What USE to be called colic, is now diagnosed as acid reflux -- to which there is something I can medicate my child with to help her feel better.  Furthermore, don't judge me when I use the medication the doctor suggests because she's too young for medication.  Acid reflux is painful to babies and they wouldn't cry if they weren't in pain.  

8)  "Let her cry.  Don't go pick her up yet."
This was always my favorite.  In hindsight, I completely agree with this advice.  However, when it's your first child that you've waited so long to gaze at, snuggle with, tend to and shower with love... it's just not that easy.  

*Note:  I kick myself in the ass daily now for not taking accepting this advice because it still bites me in the ass at bedtime today*

9)  "Oh honey, she's old enough to feed herself.  You don't want to spoil her all the time, do you?"
Okay, a COMPLETE STRANGER said this to me while walking through Target with my daughter in the front of the cart while she was nibbling on MY pizza.  I was two seconds away from whipping my cart around and telling her where to stick this unsolicited advice while also informing her that this pizza WASN'T FOR MY DAUGHTER IN THE FIRST PLACE!  Excuse me for trying to hoard my own pizza and enjoy it for myself while sneaking her a little bite here and there.  Butt out lady!  
 

and lastly...

10)  "Can I make a suggestion?"
No.  No you may not.  In fact, I'd prefer that we now end this interaction on the premise that you are about to say something that will completely offend me and my parenting skills, or lack there-of.  I know I likely do not do things "as good as" or "quite  like you did", but I'm doing the best I can.  There are plenty days I wake up feeling inadequate as a parent already -- so please, I beg of you, let me learn this one on my own.  

Offer valid through November 25th providing 40% off recipe products with code:  COMFORTFOOD.  

I would cook with pumpkin all year long if my family enjoyed it as much as I do.  It's also such a healthy substitute for many not-so-healthy ingredients!  

Anyhow, here's what's on your agenda this week in our kitchen... these awesomely delicious looking Chocolate Glazed Pumpkin Cookies from Martha Stewart.  

Here's the scoop: 

Ingredients

• 2 cups all-purpose flour, (spooned and leveled)
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon pumpkin-pie spice
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 large egg
• 1 can (15 ounces) pure pumpkin puree
• 4 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, baking powder, pumpkin-pie spice, and salt; set aside.
   
   
2. Using an electric mixer, beat together butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add egg; beat until smooth. With mixer on low speed, alternately add flour mixture in two parts and pumpkin puree in one, beginning and ending with flour mixture; mix just until combined (do not overmix).
   
   
3. Drop dough by heaping tablespoons onto two baking sheets, about 1 1/2 inches apart. Bake until puffed and edges are golden, 15 to 20 minutes, rotating sheets once during baking. Immediately transfer cookies to wire racks, and cool completely.
   
   
4. When cookies have cooled, set them (still on rack) over a baking sheet or waxed paper. Place chocolate in a medium heatproof bowl set over (not in) a saucepan of simmering water; stir until almost melted. Remove from heat; stir until completely melted. Pour chocolate into a resealable plastic bag. Snip off a corner with scissors or a knife to make an 1/8-inch hole; pipe chocolate over cookies. Refrigerate until chocolate is firm, about 20 minutes.
   
   

Enjoy and thanks to MarthaStewart.com for the recipe!  Please share your tasty recipes with us too!