You've got to be fucking kidding me? How did I miss the memo on this one?
When am I suppose to do ANYTHING? The mere hour and 12 -15 minutes that she is out midday is my saving grace! Granted I usually can only pack in one load of laundry, dishes, 1/2 of a blog post and maybe scribble a few bills -- I still never fully complete anything I do.
DISCLOSURE: NOT BEING UNGRATEFUL. I KNOW MY KID(S) ARE A BLESSING. But this is bullshit.
I think most of society has a huge misconception of stay at home moms as if anything and everything we do is just "standard" and "normal". Let me be the first to tell you my life is the furthest thing from your "normal" you'll ever find. Just because I get to stay at home, doesn't mean I get to slowly and casually work through my day windexing windows while leisurely occupying myself with other household chores all while preparing dinner for the king and having craft time with my daughter. Hell no!!
It is my responsibility as a stay at home mom to tend to my daughters every need IN ADDITION to generating income for our family through my "real job" and operating two family businesses. But, I shouldn't complain because I can toss a bon-bon in my mouth whenever I please in between my lack of shower and cleanup of puke (be it dog or child). Who am I kidding!?!
Here is a breakdown of just the first half of my day when my daughter is at home:
6:45 -7:00 am: RISE AND SHINE! I get woken up by the cutest little face with the worst morning breath known to man demanding that it's "shopping time" and we need to go bye-bye. My child is obsessed with Target, go figure.
7:30 am: After we've torn our way through room #1 of toys and I've completed round one of clean up for the day, we're arguing about breakfast. Prepare a waffle. Kid won't eat waffle. Mommy threatens no other food if she doesn't eat waffle. Kid throws waffle and we're off...
8:00 am: I BEG her to sit still to watch a movie for 10 minutes so I can grab a quick shower alone. Never happens. She's at the door immediately when she hears that shower turn on saying "Me too mommy, shower time". Toys are quickly dispersed all around my feet and I'm stepping on Thomas the fucking train and nearly breaking my ankle while trying to rinse the conditioner out of my hair as quickly as possible to end my misery.
8:30-9:00 am: Drag child out of the shower that has turned into a bath -- freezing cold because she's been in too long. Fight with her to brush her hair and initiate bribe #1 of the day to get her to put her clothes on.
9:15 am: FINALLY dress myself and bring child into bathroom with me to blow-dry my half crimped hair in attempt to look minimally scary for the remainder of the day.
9:30 am: Begin first load of laundry and scrub floor from earlier waffle mishap.
9:45 am: Give into child's begging for M & M's because I have 15 minutes to get her out the door to make it to my OB-GYN appointment that I'm lucky enough to have her accompany me to.
9:49 am: Shit, forgot to brush my teeth, grab toothbrush and do a once over on the way out the door.
10:10 am: Arrive 10 minutes late to OB-GYN appointment and bribe screaming child out of the car with promise to hand over my iPhone so she can watch Justin f'ing Beiber. Really kid? Upon entering the building I'm told that they bumped the appointment after mine ahead and I may be waiting a few additional minutes since I'm late. I realize I still have my slippers on, super.
10:28 am: Still waiting. Child is now taunting the 72 year old woman who is cross stitching in the waiting room and making faces at her while "Baby, Baby, Baby...." is blaring from my iPhone in the background.
10:45 am: Exit the building with minimal damage done. Mommy blowing up the latex glove like a balloon to entertain the child while doc is doing his exam "thing" seems to do the trick. Again, wonderful experience.
11:15 am: Return home to begin work. Give child snack. Child wants to color, while snacking. --- ON. MY. LAP. I position my laptop to one side hoping that I can somehow multi-task only for her crush my finger as the laptop comes crashing down with her prompt of "No puter mommy" aka computer. Ok great.
11:25 am: Peanut butter on my pants. Scrub it off quickly and move on with the attempt to vacuum. Mail lady arrives, dog barking like crazy, stop vacuum. Glance at the mail, something from the insurance company. Our policy increased to WHAT? Side-step to call insurance agent to inquire -- he's at lunch. Great.
11:45 am: Lunch time. Do I even need to tell you about this battle?
12:10 pm: We lay down in bed -- TOGETHER -- and I help/sing her to sleep. If you think this happens without a fight, you're clearly not paying attention.
12:30 pm: Sneak. Out. Of. Room.
12:35 pm: Run downstairs, switch laundry. Can't finish vacuuming, will wake child. Decide to work on my blog, computer frozen from the angry child slam that occurred only hours earlier. Say the hell with it all and take a seat. Pull up my email on my phone, read an article about "Mom's Who Do It All" -- feel guilty, go grab chocolate and turn on the tv.
1:15 pm: Doorbell rings - dog barks - child wakes up - Mommy cries.