First and foremost, a post like this should be coupled with one of my disclaimers. My upcoming rant has ZERO to do with me being ungrateful. I am very blessed to be given the opportunity to grow a baby inside of me and this I do not take for granted. I am fully aware, appreciative and grateful of the fact that the powers that be feel I am deserving of such a wonderful blessing.
Now, that being said -- let's get some shit straight.
Being pregnant absolutely blows. I despise nearly every aspect of pregnancy and am more than happy to disclose with you the multiple reasons to why I do.
When I found out I was pregnant with baby #1, every mother would come up and say to me -- "Oh isn't it wonderful? You look great! How do you feel?" I think this was a test. I knew what they really wanted to say was -- "Don't you feel like shit? Isn't it horrible? Please tell me that you're as miserable as I was so I don't feel like a whiny ass that complained through my entire nine months." None of them had the ca-hones to be that blunt with me. So, after a while of me handing out the PC answer of "Oh, it's more than I could have ever imagined", I just started telling it like it is -- "This shit sucks." I was pleasantly surprised at how many women would then laugh and then feel comfortable enough with my honesty to then relate with a comeback of their most dreaded memory of pregnancy.
Yes, I do believe that there are women out there who thrive through their pregnancies. I'm not one of them. At 33 weeks pregnant today, I'm happy to tell you here is why...
1) Catching my breath is something I know nothing of.
I would like to walk around the block without feeling like I've run a half marathon. Furthermore, when I plop my over sized ass down on the couch to try to catch my breath, I don't appreciate the snarky comment from my husband referencing my over-embellished sigh of exhaustion. I'm tired and can't breathe asshole, get over it.
2) Complete exhaustion.
First trimester exhaustion is HORRIBLE. I could sleep for 12 hours a night and still fall asleep while sitting up later in the day. My body is climbing mountains and building a baby for crying out loud -- what do you expect?
3) "Rolling" in and out of bed just doesn't quite exude sexiness.
When you have to lean over to ask your husband to give you a push to get momentum on your side -- well -- that pretty much says it all folks.
4) Body parts doubling, if not tripling in size.
I'll spare you the details on this one -- especially those of you reading this that haven't had kids yet. Consider this your warning... it happens.
5) Maternity clothing.
Okay, so I get that when my mother was pregnant all she could wear were "moo-moos". However, just because we have a slightly larger selection, doesn't mean that the shit is cute and/or fashionable. I already feel crappy about myself and the three chins I've since grown, can't I find one god damn piece of clothing that makes me feel like a normal clothes wearing member of society? I don't need an empire waisted striped shirt that comes in your choice of the three primary colors...
6) The skin issues. WTF?
Ummm... no one told me this kind of shit was gonna happen!? Pregnancy mask? WTF is that? Oh -- clearly I'm not battling enough self-esteem issues that you need to plunk a whole bunch of brown spots all over my face and throw in some highly unwelcome acne. Thanks.
7) Weight gain.
I don't think this requires much elaboration. I love watching myself progressively turn into a bear. NOT!
8) Sneezing and what it results in.
Again, no further elaboration needed.
9) Nausea, all-day sickness, smelling everything in a 2-mile radius, having to go to the bathroom every 3.5 minutes, catapulting yourself out of the sitting position, loss of the ability to bend over, being the one sober person at a get-together/wedding/celebration, etc...
Oh...and who can forget...
10) The Waddle.
Enough said.
I've decided to cut the list a bit short, but as you can see -- pregnancy and I clearly don't mesh. That being said there's one thing, one simple little thing that I LOVE about being pregnant. Maternity Jeans. Thank GOD for maternity jeans!
Now, that being said -- let's get some shit straight.
Being pregnant absolutely blows. I despise nearly every aspect of pregnancy and am more than happy to disclose with you the multiple reasons to why I do.
When I found out I was pregnant with baby #1, every mother would come up and say to me -- "Oh isn't it wonderful? You look great! How do you feel?" I think this was a test. I knew what they really wanted to say was -- "Don't you feel like shit? Isn't it horrible? Please tell me that you're as miserable as I was so I don't feel like a whiny ass that complained through my entire nine months." None of them had the ca-hones to be that blunt with me. So, after a while of me handing out the PC answer of "Oh, it's more than I could have ever imagined", I just started telling it like it is -- "This shit sucks." I was pleasantly surprised at how many women would then laugh and then feel comfortable enough with my honesty to then relate with a comeback of their most dreaded memory of pregnancy.
Yes, I do believe that there are women out there who thrive through their pregnancies. I'm not one of them. At 33 weeks pregnant today, I'm happy to tell you here is why...
1) Catching my breath is something I know nothing of.
I would like to walk around the block without feeling like I've run a half marathon. Furthermore, when I plop my over sized ass down on the couch to try to catch my breath, I don't appreciate the snarky comment from my husband referencing my over-embellished sigh of exhaustion. I'm tired and can't breathe asshole, get over it.
2) Complete exhaustion.
First trimester exhaustion is HORRIBLE. I could sleep for 12 hours a night and still fall asleep while sitting up later in the day. My body is climbing mountains and building a baby for crying out loud -- what do you expect?
3) "Rolling" in and out of bed just doesn't quite exude sexiness.
When you have to lean over to ask your husband to give you a push to get momentum on your side -- well -- that pretty much says it all folks.
4) Body parts doubling, if not tripling in size.
I'll spare you the details on this one -- especially those of you reading this that haven't had kids yet. Consider this your warning... it happens.
5) Maternity clothing.
Okay, so I get that when my mother was pregnant all she could wear were "moo-moos". However, just because we have a slightly larger selection, doesn't mean that the shit is cute and/or fashionable. I already feel crappy about myself and the three chins I've since grown, can't I find one god damn piece of clothing that makes me feel like a normal clothes wearing member of society? I don't need an empire waisted striped shirt that comes in your choice of the three primary colors...
6) The skin issues. WTF?
Ummm... no one told me this kind of shit was gonna happen!? Pregnancy mask? WTF is that? Oh -- clearly I'm not battling enough self-esteem issues that you need to plunk a whole bunch of brown spots all over my face and throw in some highly unwelcome acne. Thanks.
7) Weight gain.
I don't think this requires much elaboration. I love watching myself progressively turn into a bear. NOT!
8) Sneezing and what it results in.
Again, no further elaboration needed.
9) Nausea, all-day sickness, smelling everything in a 2-mile radius, having to go to the bathroom every 3.5 minutes, catapulting yourself out of the sitting position, loss of the ability to bend over, being the one sober person at a get-together/wedding/celebration, etc...
Oh...and who can forget...
10) The Waddle.
Enough said.
I've decided to cut the list a bit short, but as you can see -- pregnancy and I clearly don't mesh. That being said there's one thing, one simple little thing that I LOVE about being pregnant. Maternity Jeans. Thank GOD for maternity jeans!
Note: My favorite read while I was pregnant was "Pregnancy Sucks, What to Do When Your Miracle Makes You Miserable" by Joanne Kimes. Check it out!
RSS Feed